Monday, May 02, 2005

Before I start my day

I was reading Ryan Paul's blog last night and came across an interesting post that he found on a message board that he is a moderator. Ryan is also the moderator of the Black Blogz ring. He said this about the post "I laughed my head off... it'd be a dream come true if it happened, but alas the world is stuck with the present state-of-affairs in the United States. Happy reading!

Like Ryan, I also found this post very amusing. Well, this is what at least some of our comrades in Europe think of Americans..


Quoted Text

To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to governyourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of yourindependence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties overall states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outsideyour borders) will appoint a Minister for America.

Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated nextyear will determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the followingrules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check"aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just howwrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in wordssuch as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you shouldraise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Usingthe same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form ofcommunication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' inthe Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with badlanguage then you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We'll let Microsoft know onyour behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to takeaccount of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. Itreally isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas suchas 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. You must learnthat there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of thecounty is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all AmericanStates will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire,Louisianashire.

4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save TheQueen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.

5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind offootball. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticedno one else plays "American" football. You should instead play properfootball. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (whichis similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for arest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour likenancies). You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to hostan event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not playedoutside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play agirls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy teamstripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything moredangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are notsensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permitto carry a vegetable peeler.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a newnational holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for yourown good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what wemean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and youwill start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metricwithout the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metricationwill help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are notreal chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you(including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not awareof a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps."Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditionalaccompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Onlyproper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances onceknown as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-FrozenGnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser companywhich will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allowtrue Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, CzechRepublic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will bepermitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UKpetrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers ortherapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're notadult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sortthings out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're notgrown up enough to handle a gun.

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with youshortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to1776).Thank you for your co-operation.
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